Getting to know "The Rube"
When the boss told me that I would be interviewing Jup, I was assuming that we would have a nice sit down after a game with a cold Coors Light. However, when Jup called and told me to meet him at his house I was a bit taken aback. The Cotner Family Estate is not what one would call a convenient trip.

As I make a left out of Waconia heading south, my Tom-Tom starts blurting out, “Columbus was wrong! Columbus was wrong!” It is an eerie feeling when you don’t know where you are or where you are going and you only have enough food in the car for a week. As the road turns from pavement to gravel, the missile silos start dominating the landscape. In the event of a nuclear event, I somehow feel comforted to know that this desolate place will be the first to go.

Unlike his fellow Rubes’, Fear and Bacardio, sprawling estates, Jupiter’s 9000 acres may be vast, but it is also very unassuming. Pulling up the house, Jupiter and his wife, Z, come out to meet me on the unfinished porch.

I look over and see their two lovely daughters playing on their favorite yard apparatus, a propane tank alligator that is painted like a stick of Fruit Stripe gum.

“Glad you could make it. I hope you didn’t have any trouble finding the place”, Z says politely. I thought about describing my GPS unit’s reluctance to allow me to go down this path, but I knew the technology was lost on them. Sitting down on the patio with them makes you see why Jup has lived in this area for as long as he has. It is a quiet and serene place, some would say too quiet, but that is the charm.

Seeing how happy he and his family are, one would wonder why Jup makes the 105 mile round-trip trek once a week just to play hockey for an hour. He is almost always slower than the other team. Typically overmatched when goes into the corners. He has no discernible hockey skills that set him apart from his opponents, or teammates for that matter. Yet, he comes back every week, ready to play the best he can and enjoy the time with his friends.

He tells me that the time and money he spends playing hockey just makes him appreciate it that much more. He has learned to appreciate many things in life, considering the rocky start to him and Z’s life together. They started out with very little and have worked very hard to have the land and family they have.

Their relationship started slow, but soon progressed to the point where Jup planned a special evening out that ended in a very unique wedding proposal. The wedding was small, with just a few close friends and some family. The reception was a little more raucous and saw the bride not only lose her last name, but her dress was last seen on the side of a milk carton.

The first house they moved into was not much to look at, but it provided them the opportunity to move the house anywhere they wanted. “There were many months we had to change our driver’s license so much that they wrote our address in pencil”, revealed Z.

Looking at what they have now, you can see that it was worth it. The house that they are in now was built strictly by Jup’s own hands and was decorated by Z. It is rare when you find two people with such similar tastes.

Their two daughters, Alyssa and Sami are their lives. These have to be the two luckiest girls in the world to have been blessed with their mother’s looks, and not their father’s. To see these two parent is truly something special. Not only do they have a lot of fun with the girls, but they also have very constructive learning time. They also discipline in a very unique, if not illegal, way.

Jupi If it weren’t for the fact that the County does not budget much for travel expenses, Child Services would be paying a visit on a daily basis.

Sitting down to dinner with the Cotner’s, I felt like Andrew Zimmern. Jup assured me that everything on the table was “harvested” from their backyard. It was not what we were eating; squirrel brains, jackalope testicles and scorpion kabobs. It was more the fact that everything on the table was caught by the kids. At an early age, Jup and Z teach the girls that they need to be productive members of the family. A role they seem to have taken on wholeheartedly.

Relaxing by a campfire with some of Jup’s fine homemade hooch was just the way to cap off a fabulous day. It was truly a pleasure to be welcomed into Jup & Z’s home and be allowed a peek into a private life that few know. Even though I needed my passport and a couple changes of clothes to get there and back, I will remember this day forever.

High-Tech Hockey
From an early age, Dan "Java" Lindquist loved technology, computers and electronics. He would take things apart, just to see what made them tick and then reassemble them. His constant tinkering often left his parents house in complete disarray, but it was always for the better. His technological expertise was apparently worth two first-round draft picks, the cost to pick him up from the Enken Bears, to bring him to the Rubes. So far, it looks to have been worth it.

"When he was two, we found him standing in his crib late one night. He had taken apart his Sesame Street mobile so he could get it to spin counter-clockwise", remembers Coach. "By the time he was three, he had field stripped a Speak & Spell to speak nothing but pig-latin." Coach continued to rehash story after story of Lindy doing his best Tim Allen routine on everything around the house, even the family dog, but that is a story for another day.

The path of destruction/reconstruction that Dan was leaving around the house prompted his father find another outlet for his creativity. Hockey seemed like the perfect fit. There were no mechanical gadgets for him to figure out. There were no electronics involved, just good, old-fashioned physical activity to wear him out. Or so Coach thought.

Little Danny took to hockey like a fish to water. He wanted to be the best at everything on the ice. His drive to be succeed paid off and soon he was a star on the ice. However, soon the game became too easy for him. He needed more of a challenge. In walked his old friend technology to save the day.

Unlike Professor Ned Brainard, who used his invention to help a basketball team, Lindy needed to find a way to level the playing field for his opponents. Early attempts included a strobe light visor. He figured the light would distract him so much that he would not be able to follow the play. All it did, however, was sharpen his focus and puck handling skills. Then there was the electro-shock breezer that would give him an increasing jolt the more he sweat. He thought if he did not try that hard, everyone else could keep up. Lindy just learned to condition himself better and now is at the point where he does not even have to shower after the game, to the dismay of Vegoe.

Over and over again, Dan was looking for the competitive "restrictor", but every time it just backfired and made him better. By the time Lindy hit Junior Golds, his equipment had more electronics in them than Best Buy. Besides the multiple sportsmanship awards he received over the years, for trying to "dumb himself down" to the competition, he was starting to receive interest from colleges across the country. Not only were his hockey skills on display, but his computer expertise was starting to get noticed.

While trying to decide who to accept a hockey scholarship from, he received some sponsorship money from Apple and letter from Steve Jobs. This is where Dan's life did a 180. Because he accepted the gift from the hardware/software mogul and put the Apple sticker on his helmet, he was no longer an amateur. In one fail swoop, he had completely blown his hockey future. With that, he had to return to taking apart things around the house and in his dorm room at college.

Some would have seen this as a negative, but Lindy took it all in stride and turned his misfortune into a degree in programming and a budding career in the field. He has also continued his hockey playing in adult leagues where he is not only a physical asset to the teams he has played on, but he has also applied his computer skills to the teams success.

He has recently created a webcast scouting system for use on the bench. The real-time hockey analysis tool may just look like a camcorder and a small monitor to some, but to the Rubes it is a instantaneous feedback system. They now have the ability to change strategies with a moments notice and give instruction on the bench during the game.

He has come a long way from the toddler who could reprogram a Mattel LCD Football game so he could run a double-reverse, but he is still that same inquisitive kid at heart. His value to the Rubes is immeasurable, not only with technological advances, but also the hockey skill. He may have slowed a bit, but that does not mean he has taken the shocking system out of his breezers. He says it keeps him humble. Something which the rest of the league is grateful for.


Coup des Rubes
Today Rubes Report catches up with left winger Bacardio. We find out how his season is going, what was behind his separation from Soren and how he got back on the line.

It is a sunny, spring day and Bacardio has invited the Rubes Report staff to his palatial backyard in Ramsey. The view from the massive deck that was made with coral from the Great Barrier Reef, overlooks the 5th hole on one of Minnesota's most prestigious golf courses. For many years, Fear the Gopher was thought of as the "snob" of the team, but as we find out, Bacardio makes Fear look like Joe Dirt.

Rubes Report: What a beautiful home and yard you have. I see that signing bonus in the offseason was put to good use.

Bacardio: I did not spend MY money on this. I have many lucrative endorsement deals and this was all gratis. The only thing I had to pay for was the labor and let me tell you, my neighbors were not happy with the individuals I "smuggled" in to do the work so cheap. But hey, it looks fantastic.

RR: So, how is your season progressing?

B: I won't lie, I think it is going really well, now.

RR: What do you mean now? You are second on the team in points and your assists are finally outpacing your goals.

B: At the beginning of the season, Coach Johnson was not happy with our line. He seemed to think we were dogging it and he decided to split us up. What he saw as dogging it, was just us playing with ease. This game is so easy sometimes, I don't know how much longer I can play without some decent competition.

RR: Did you not like playing with Thor and Stang?

B: It is not that I did not like it, but they froze me out a lot. Those two play a much different game than me, so I had to create on my own. Because of that, they scored a lot of garbage goals off of my attempts and I benefited with the assists.

At about this point, a golf ball comes bounding into the backyard. Doug took a look at it, pulls out a golf club and hits it back into the foursome that put it there.

B: I would have kept it, but I only play the Pro V1.

RR: The team seems to be playing well right now, when did Coach decide to put you back together?

B: He didn't. That old hack is so stuck in his ways. He thought he could keep us down mentally, but it did not work. During a game late in the season, I purposely took a very long shift to get on the ice with Soren and Jup. It worked well too. As soon as we were on the ice together, we scored a goal.

RR: I seem to recall that Coach Johnson took credit for that lineup change at the post-game press conference.

B: He wishes. The team had had enough of his "old" ways. We just took over and ever since, we are on a roll.

RR: It does seem to be pretty coincidental that ever since you were reunited, Jup has been scoring more Russian mail-order bride and the Rubes are now in the championship game versus the friendly rival of HC Torpedo.

B: Well, when the game has passed the coach by, it is time for someone to step up and lead. Our line is the heart and soul of the Rubes. He knows it and the rest of the team knows it.

RR: Let's talk about your life off the ice. You were recently seen at a local bar ogling waitresses. How does your wife and family fell about this?

B: What I do on my time is my business. I am a guy, I am not dead. Those young ladies at Hooter's are working for a buck just like me. If they want to dress like that, I am not going to shy away.

RR: Some have said that your relationship with the grizzled veteran, Fear, has been strained lately. What is this attributed to?

B: He saw me downtown and thought that I might like some "friendly" advice. I saw that he was calling me and I screened him. He apparently was not happy about this. I would have screened him if he would have been standing in front of me. He is just jealous of me and what I have. He tries to be the big man in the locker room, but we all know who where's the pants in that room.

RR: I see that confidence is not something you struggle with?

B: Why should I? I have a Porshce with a Qudraphonic Blaupunkt. I don't answer to anyone.

RR: Well, that is all the time we have for this interview. We can't thank you enough for all the time and hospitality you showed us.

B: Yeah. Yeah. The security gate closes in ten minutes, I suggest you get moving.

RR: Don't forget, the Rubes will be facing off at 8:20 pm, on May 7th at the Super Rink #6 against HC Torpedo, See you all there.

The Man! The Myth! The Legend!
There has been speculation about where Jamo hails from. There have been wild rumors that his hockey skill was willed to him by some Canadian god. There have even been reports that his tremendous skating ability is a result of laying out on a beach blanket, without sunscreen, by the light of a full moon. All of which the reclusive right-winger denies with a confident silence when asked.

What we do know is he is 3rd all-time in Rubes games played and 1st in penalty minutes. He is a strong silent type that is as likely to drive the net hard as he is to lead the team in the pre-game prayer. He has no problem going toe-to-toe with anyone from the opposing team, even if they do not have a Y chromosome. He treats every member of the opposition with the same level of disdain.

Team manager Jupiter recalls Jamo's first year with the Rubes. "We were getting ready for our first game at the Super Rink and we were one short. From out of nowhere, the locker room door flies open with a glaring, white light and in walks Jamo", relays Jup. "No one said a word. He just changed, took his spot on the right wing and he has been there ever since."

He keeps to himself when he is away from the rink and is quiet on the bench. Both are reasons why the rumors run rampant. The stories do not seem to have an affect on Jamo, or his teammates. "They can say what they want about him", long-time Rube Boob says. "We love having him on the team. He brings an air of mystery to the team."

"We try to razz him. We try to get him to hang out after the game. We try to include him all the time, but after the game he disappears in to the night as mysteriously as the first day he came into the locker room."

"One time, during a playoff game", recalls Rookie, "he scored the tying goal and there wasn't even a hint of celebration. He just skated to the bench and sat down. You can just tell he has down it so many times in the past that it is like second-nature to him."

An unidentified female player from the Mudhens had this to say about Jamo, "He doesn't scare me. We line up across from each other and we are set to do battle, he is the opposition. However, there is a, je ne sais quois about him. He plays hard and rough against me whenever we meet, but there is also a gentleness about him. I find myself thinking about him the nights after we play."

There you have it folks. Jamo may never be boisterous on the bench. He may never "howl at the moon", unless he is really howling at a moon. He may never show us his true side. All of which is fine with us. The mystery that surrounds Jamo just makes for the three word saying his teammates have for him; "Man! Myth! Legend"


Behind the scenes with "Fear the Gopher"
The Rubes Report will sit down throughout the season with the members of your favorite Wild Adult League hockey team, The Rubes. To kick off the season, we thought we would give you a more personal look into the senior member of the Rubes. We polled you, the fans, and here are the questions you wanted answered:

Rubes Report: Fear the Gopher, thank you for taking the time to sit down with us and allow us and the fans access to your life on and off the rink.

Fear the Gopher: It is my pleasure. The fans are the reason I play this game and the reason I get up in the morning. Without them, I am just an old guy on a cold sheet of ice in an empty arena.

RR: Here we go. The first question was emailed in from Jakob in Shoreview. "You are my favorite player on the Rubes. However, do you know the Zamboni driver? I would really like his autograph."

FTG: Jakob, thanks for your question. No, I am sorry, I do not know the Zamboni driver. I have staff to keep track of the 'little people' in the rink.

RR: The next one is from Flag Guy. "Is it true that you are a prima donna? You are always dressed in a suit and a tie and you take a private jet to every game. Do you think you are better than everyone else on the team?"

FTG: Yes, I do think I am better than everyone else. I get paid a lot of money to do what I do and I deserve all of the accolades I get.

RR: You are very pretty. From Samantha in Cologne: "With Gopher in your name, do you love Goldy Gopher as much as me?"

FTG: I do love Goldy very much Samantha. Little known fact sweety, you favorite rodent is named after me, not the hockey team. So from now on, when you see Goldy, tell him to thank me for the name.

RR: Thank you for the great questions fans, keep them coming. From Eric in St. Paul: "Would you say your 4 years in the MIAC prepared you for your career in the Wild Adult League?"

FTG: Eric, I think you and I would both agree that the MIAC is the top level of competition before the Adult League. You get an opportunity to play in some of the greatest arenas in North America and against some of highly skilled players. I would recommend the MIAC to anyone who wants to succeed at this level.

RR: From Jeremy in Blaine: "You seem to have been snake-bitten in the past, but you came through pretty big in the opening game. Do you think it is time to retire the dew rag?"

FTG: I will never retire the dew rag. I may be a very superstitious player, but that is a piece of my attire that I cannot live without. When you get to my age, and weight, the amount of sweat you generate will run into your eyes and affect your game. It is as important to my uniform as my shin pads.

RR: From a very eager fan, a young man named Soren: "Do you have a favorite place you like to shoot on net?"

FTG: Soren, I have scored so many goals in my career by putting the puck in places the goalie wasn't. Now that I have achieved so much, I am actually working on how to score a goal THROUGH the goalie. I have been working on it for a couple of seasons now and I feel that I am pretty close to being consistent at it.

RR: We can't thank you enough for your time Fear. We have time for just one more question and it is from Doug in Hudson: "Is backcheck a four-letter word to you? It seems like you effort in your own zone is pretty lax."

FTG: I don't have to answer to you, you little brat. Fear plays the game the way Fear wants to play. Fear only needs to concentrate on putting the puck in the net and getting open for my teammates to give me the puck. We all have jobs to do on the Rubes and Fear's job is to score. I am not going to hurt myself by blocking a shot or outracing someone for a puck. Fear has spoken.

Missing Hat?
A hat owned by our own "Rookie" seems to have disappeared! He claims that he wore it to the game this past Monday night, but no one seems to know what happened to it. "If my Huskies winning streak ends because I don't have this hat, there will be hell to pay!" said Rookie in a statement released by Rubes management. He went on to say "This hat is my lifeblood, where I go, it goes. I even wear it to bed at night" Rookie said. The are rumors that he even wears the hat when he is having sex with his wife, but this has not been confirmed. If you have seen or know the whereabouts of this hat, please contact team management.